i want it all.

I want to be a woman that's fully alive.
I want to know the grip of a sword in my hand and the weight of jewels on my head.
I want to be a lion and a lamb.
I want my shoulders and knees to know the weight of carrying my husband and I want them to melt and buckle as he carries me.
I want the both/and.
I want it all.

I want bold lines and scripty fonts.
I want fierce imagery and watercolor florals.
I want a voice that brings down walls and soothes nightmare fears. 
I want to hurt deep and heal whole.
I want the both/and.
I want it all.

I want to carry the weight of a lion's roar in my lungs and the tender whisper of 'i love you' on my lips. 
I want to live completely content and completely dissatisfied with anything that sets itself against my Jesus.
I want to stand and I want to run my race with every ounce of strength until the finish line.
I want to lead raids into the darkness to rescue the lost and I want to be the one you'll forsake everything for, climb over every mountain to find, and fight every dragon to rescue. 
I want the both/and.
I want it all.

I want to be wild and I want to be tidy.
I want to lead bravely with authority and I want to experience the holiness of submission.
I want to plant each step as surefooted as a deer on a mountainside and I want to be twirled and danced away on airy, unknown melodies.
I want to be armed with strength for the battle and I want to be clothed in beauty.
I want to feel my body give way to the uncontrollable wails of pain and grief and I want to feel courage course through my veins with each sob.
I want the both/and.
I want it all.

I am both/and.
I am it all.
Because I am a woman.

I want you to have it all.
I want you to live securely in the both/and.
Gone are the days of stifled tears and numbness.
Gone are the days of untamed emotions hijacking your life.
The world needs to see the strength of a woman willing to walk into the brokenness.
Willing to touch it and feel it and be affected by it.
And change it.
The world needs to know it is important enough for your tears.
As scary as feeling may be, you need to feel.
You, as a woman, are the feeling heart of God.
Knowing and engaging and giving may hurt, but it looks like Jesus.
As he hung on the cross with your face in his eyes, saying Papa this hurts.
But every second of endured hurting secured complete healing.
He knows the cost and will lead you well. 
You cannot abandon your heart for your sword.
You cannot abandon your sword for your heart.
You need both/and.
You need it all.
Because you are a woman.